


Clothes Make the Man

by CarpeDiemForLife



Series: The Malice and Caprice of Time [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Field Trip, Five admires Klaus, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Incest, Light Angst, M/M, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Sibling Incest, Still no actual incest going on, Unrequited Love, Vanya is very supportive and wise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26164819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDiemForLife/pseuds/CarpeDiemForLife
Summary: Five has been putting off the inevitable for far too long. It's time to update his wardrobe. Who better to help than his favorite sister and his fashionista brother? However, Five is soon to learn that picking out new clothes is easier said than done. Featuring: wise Vanya and supportive Klaus.Set after a canon divergent 2019, wherein the Apocalypse was averted and the Hargreeves are now living out their lives. Doesn't acknowledge season 2.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz, Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: The Malice and Caprice of Time [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893496
Comments: 37
Kudos: 205





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a series of separate stories (usually oneshots, but this one is a two-parter) all existing in the same universe/timeline but able to be read individually if desired. That said, there is going to be an eventual arc that will make the most sense if everything is read in order. This story takes place shortly after the last one.
> 
> The characters are as portrayed in the show, so if you don't like, please don't read.

Today was the day. He couldn’t put it off any longer.

The time had come.

Weighed down by dread, Five decided to take the stairs rather than teleport, as though this small delay could stave off the misery in store.

He stepped into the kitchen. To his dismay, but not his surprise, only Allison and Klaus were present.

Dinners were usually held together these days, but breakfast was a less structured affair. Diego and Vanya were the early risers of the house. They were almost always gone by the time Five made it downstairs. Allison and Luther tended to be up next, though sometimes Luther overslept now that he had the freedom to do so. Klaus either woke abominably late or abominably early—there was no in-between. The fact that he’d beaten Five downstairs meant today was one of the latter. He’d no doubt been awake for hours and this was more like his lunch than breakfast.

That being the case, he was also sure to be far livelier than Five had the energy for.

Grunting, Five grabbed two mugs, filled both with coffee—already made, thank _god_ —then took a seat across from Allison. He inhaled the caffeine into his system as quickly as possible.

“Ooo.” Klaus’s voice drifted from the opposite end of the table. There was movement in Five’s periphery and then long limbs came into view. “Is that for me? Thank you, brother dear—”

Just as Klaus’s fingers would have closed around mug #2, Five vanished and reappeared in front of the sink. Staring his brother dead in the eye, he gulped down the last of his cup, slammed the empty mug on the counter, and immediately began drinking from the second.

Bug-eyed, Klaus raised his hands— _Hello. Goodbye._ —in apparent surrender. “Okay, intense.”

Barely glancing up from her newspaper, Allison chuckled.

When Five had successfully finished his second cup unmolested, he let out a shuddering breath. That felt better. Good enough, at least, to face the day ahead.

“Do either of you know where Vanya is?” he asked, already heading for the exit.

“Woah, hey.” Klaus stepped into his path. Five raised his eyebrows. “Slow down there, bucko. At least eat something before you go racing off. Here, look…”

Restraining his irritation to a mere eyeroll, Five let himself be herded back to the table and into a seat while Klaus flounced away. He was soon back, setting a plate in front of Five.

“Diego made sausage scramble! Yum.”

“And how do you expect me to eat this?” Five snarked, more for the sake of being a pain in the ass than anything else. “With my fingers?”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a fork materialized in front of his face. He turned his glare on Allison. She smirked. Begrudgingly, he took the utensil from her grasp. She must have anticipated both Klaus’s forgetfulness _and_ Five’s complaint, to have had the fork ready like that.

“Et tu?” he muttered. Still, he caved to the pressure and ate. The scramble _was_ pretty good. Besides, ridiculous as his family was, there was something… nice… in having people who cared enough to look out for him for the first time since he was thirteen.

“Good, isn’t it?” Klaus looked like a proud mom as he praised Diego’s cooking. Ironic, given that Klaus’s expertise in the kitchen was limited to…

Did burning toast count as expertise?

“Now remember, young man, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You can’t go skipping it if you want to grow up big and strong—”

“Keep talking and this fork goes in your eye.”

“With _this_ outfit?” said Klaus with a look of horror. Said outfit consisted of black combat boots, leggings, and a mid-thigh skirt, with a bright blue crop top and choker. Five didn’t know which part of the ensemble Klaus felt would clash with a fork to the eyeball, nor what outfit he would consider better suited to such an accessory.

He chose not to ask. Klaus’s rhetorical question had reminded him of his original goal.

“So, Vanya?”

“Oh. I don’t know,” Klaus said breezily. He stared at the air several feet away. “Ben? Nope, he doesn’t know either.”

Allison rapped her knuckles on the table to draw their attention.

“Library,” she said.

Five nodded in thanks. Among her other pursuits, which included training her powers and playing the violin, Vanya had taken up writing a new book, and was often holed up in the library for research or simply to have a quiet place to focus.

“What is it you want with our darling sister, anyways?”

Five winced. There was no reason to hide it; they’d see for themselves soon enough. Still, when he mumbled the answer into his eggs, Klaus had to ask him to repeat himself. He sighed.

“I need her help buying some new clothes. I don’t want to wear this stupid uniform one more day.”

 _I don’t want to look like a child anymore_.

Both of his siblings perked up, Allison with interest, Klaus with indignation.

“Hang on a second!” he protested, waving a spatula in the air. “Why only Vanya? Why not any of the rest of us?”

Five leveled a haughty stare at him. “Let me see. Luther has fashioned himself after the extinct wooly mammoth—”

Allison hid a smile behind her hand.

“—Diego thinks he’s Catwoman—”

A strangled, high-pitched noise tore from Klaus’s throat.

“—and you dress like a slutty alien from Glitter Planet. No, Vanya is the only one I trust to help me with this.”

Plate empty, Five carried it to the sink. Allison tugged his arm as he passed. Eyebrows high on her forehead, she put down her newspaper and gestured at her stylish skinny jean and off-the-shoulder sweater combo.

“Your taste is impeccable,” he agreed. “But maybe not _quite_ what I’m going for.”

“Helped Patrick.” She crossed her arms.

Five cocked his head at her. “Do you really want to be involved in this?”

He wasn’t opposed, exactly; he was sure she knew plenty about men’s fashion, even if her style was likely to be too fancy for his tastes. He simply hadn’t thought she’d be interested.

Sure enough, a grin crept up her lips.

“Giving you hard time,” she confirmed. He smirked, huffing with amusement.

“ _Hey_ now.”

Five turned. Klaus had a hand over his heart in mock offense.

“Are you saying you don’t like my clothes? Unless by ‘slutty alien’ you mean ‘sexy’ and ‘out-of-this-world.’” Preening, he shot Five a flirtatious look.

Five softened, feeling a pang over the coarseness of his earlier remark, meant only in jest. “I do like them. On _you_.”

A flicker of relief crossed Klaus’s face, and Five knew he’d guessed right. Behind the wall of Klaus’s humor lurked his insecurities.

Restored to good spirits, Klaus gave a sudden gasp. “Wait! Don’t forget, I have Ben in tow. Package deal and all that.”

Blue energy gathered in his upturned palms. No clenching of his fists or shaking from the effort. Calm and peaceful. A blue figure shimmered into focus, sitting cross-legged on the table.

Ben raised a hand. Five and Allison exchanged greetings with him.

“And look at him!” Klaus said. As always, Ben was ‘wearing’ all black, complete with leather jacket and slicked-back hair. He rolled his eyes at Klaus. “Dapper, sleek, but still very hip and cool. He’d be _loads_ of help in figuring out your style.”

Five gave up. A part of him had always known there was no keeping Klaus from this. Sighing, he left his plate in the sink and headed for the doorway.

“Come on, then."

“Yay!” Clapping his hands, Klaus fell into step behind him. On their way through the foyer, he snatched up a crossbody wallet bag hanging from the hat stand. “Family field trip. Half family field trip. _Oh_ , Numbers Four through Seven. The underdogs, taking on the Umbrella Academy’s most daring mission yet: filling Five’s wardrobe.”

“If you don’t stop talking, I will push you out of the moving car.”

“We’re not even _in_ the car yet.”

At one look from Five, Klaus pouted and shut up.

*

“Okay, come on,” said Vanya, looking up from the table where she had a collection of texts and notebooks spread out. “You can’t want _my_ help picking out clothes.”

“Think about the other options available to me,” said Five, hands tucked in his pockets, “and then reconsider that.”

A grin twitched at the corner of her mouth. Her head ducked down, long hair falling to cover her face. He wished she wouldn’t do that. Wouldn’t hide herself from him. But he understood that she’d lived too long in the shadows, too long under the influence of pills that dampened her emotions, for it to be an easy transition. It would take time before she was fully comfortable letting herself be seen, despite having craved it all her life.

“Besides! Between the two of us—” Klaus paused. “Oh sure, _three_ of us…” He made a face at the air to his left. “We can turn Five into a well-rounded man of fashion.”

“Klaus is here strictly in an observational capacity.”

“Hey, wait a second—”

Vanya smiled. “Hold on, I’ll pack up my stuff.”

*

At Klaus’s insistence, they didn’t head to the mall like Five had planned, but to a nearby thrift store.

Despite the excursion being his own idea, Five was very reluctant to try anything on. He staunchly refused every attempt to make him do so, criticizing each garment offered to him and refusing to choose any of his own. Klaus sighed but didn’t push the issue, instead flitting off to pursue his own ends, piling a cart high with coats and pants and tank tops and dresses. When he slipped into a fitting room, Five and Vanya sat on chairs outside, ready to play audience.

As they waited, Five couldn’t shake the tension out of his body. He crossed his arms. It felt like every muscle in his body had been pulled taut, and it was making him ill.

His leg bounced up and down.

This was stupid. _He_ was stupid. He’d bested the laws of physics, survived on his own for decades in an Apocalypse hellscape, killed more people than he cared to count, waged war on the Commission, blown up the Handler, and, perhaps most impressively, gotten his siblings to cooperate long enough to save the world from total destruction. He was objectively one of the most powerful humans in existence.

How was it possible that the thought of choosing his own clothes made him this afraid?

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Vanya looked at him. “For what?”

“Dragging you here. Wasting your time. I don’t think I’m going to find anything.”

Her forehead wrinkled. “Five—”

The fitting room door burst open. Five leaned forward, elbows on his knees, only too happy to focus on something else.

Klaus sashayed out. He twirled, showing off a flowy, floral kimono robe, ripped jeans, and absolutely nothing else.

“I like it,” Five said honestly. “The jeans are a little loose, though.”

“Ben thinks the same,” said Klaus, spinning once more and checking himself out in a mirror on the back of the door. “But I _love_ the pattern on this robe.”

“Yeah, it’s really pretty,” agreed Vanya.

Klaus ducked back into the fitting room. His next outfit paired an off-the-shoulder, long-sleeve shirt with booty shorts. The next a floor-length skirt with a tank top. Several items featured bright colors and patterns. Every combination was eye-catching.

“It’s amazing,” Vanya said as the door closed behind Klaus again. “He can look good in absolutely anything.”

Five chuckled. He’d relaxed some during the fashion show. Seeing Klaus express himself so unreservedly, no longer in fear of retribution from Sir Reginald Hargreeves, warmed something deep inside his chest. He’d never gotten to see it before he left. He wanted to soak in every minute of it that he could.

“I envy him,” he said.

“Who knows, maybe you’re the same. You can’t know until you try.”

“Not for that. For…” His body tensed again, but he forced himself to relax. This was Vanya he was talking to. “…knowing who he is. Who he wants to be.”

There was silence. Five knew that, in it, Vanya heard everything he couldn’t say.

 _I never got to decide who I wanted to be. I was just a kid, stuck in the Apocalypse. All I knew was survival. I never needed to care about clothes, never had a_ chance _to care. I wore whatever scraps were in good enough condition to keep me warm at night._

Even after his ‘rescue,’ Five still didn’t get control of his wardrobe. The Commission provided it for him. Suits, mainly. Nice ones. But belonging to the company. Five had no idea whether he’d even liked them or not—the notion that he could have an opinion on his clothes hadn’t occurred to him.

Now, for the first time in his long life, he had to choose for himself and… he didn’t know how.

 _I don’t know who I am_.

“I don’t think anyone’s born knowing all that,” said Vanya. “It’s not like Klaus developed his confidence overnight, you know? He experimented with things first. Tried on Allison’s skirt at fourteen. Stole eyeshadow from a drugstore at fifteen. Did lots of stuff at sixteen that I’m sure he regrets now. I did too. It took a lot of trial and error to find a style that suits me. You’ll never get self-discovery a hundred per cent right the first time. But there’s only one way to get there.”

Heart pounding, Five raised his chin. “How?”

If he weren’t already in love with Vanya, her smile would have done it.

“Follow Klaus’s example, and _try_.”

He looked into her eyes a long moment. She didn’t push, didn’t demand, just waited to hear his decision.

“What if…” He winced. Even if he didn’t look it, he was a grown ass man. Was he really going to admit this out loud?

He sighed.

“I don’t want to look stupid,” he said. More accurately, he didn’t want to be _seen_ as stupid. An irrational anxiety, but it didn’t change the way he felt. When he imagined trying his hand at putting together an outfit and getting laughed at because he’d done a poor job, embarrassment constricted his chest so tightly he thought he might choke from it.

“Trust me, looking stupid? Is all part of the journey.”

He raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. She grinned.

“Come on. What if I promise to try things on too? We can swap silly stuff and just have fun with it.”

A happy gasp interrupted them and Five whirled around, his cheeks burning. He hadn’t heard Klaus come out.

“Did I hear right?” their brother asked. “We’re all playing dress-up now?”

Five groaned at his phrasing, but the twin looks of excitement on his siblings’ faces did him in. A spark of optimism lit in his belly and he couldn’t help a smile.

“All right. Let’s do it.”


	2. Chapter 2

Having exhausted his interest in their current location, Klaus forced Five to drive them to another thrift store that he knew. (“They’re better than any department stores,” he insisted.)

After an hour, Five grudgingly admitted that Klaus might know what he was talking about. There was just _so much_ to choose from, and most of it still in great condition. Five didn’t care about the cost one way or another, having never personally interacted with money and being well aware that Reginald’s inheritance had them all set for life. But he knew it gave Klaus a sort of peace of mind to attain quality at bargain prices, a holdover from his homeless years. It was little effort on Five’s part to give his brother this bit of happiness.

Besides, he had a feeling their behavior would be frowned upon in a more serious establishment.

Amongst the store’s miscellaneous junk, Klaus spotted a boombox, and he had no qualms about hauling it over to the fitting rooms once they were all loaded down with a first round of clothes. With the help of a tape and set of batteries from Klaus’s cassette player, they soon had a soundtrack for their little adventure.

A mix of 60s and 70s music blasted as they took turns trying on outrageous clothes and accessories. Klaus strutted and danced and… there was simply no other word for it… _vibed_ with such an utter lack of self-consciousness that Vanya and Five were soon pulled into his antics. They struck purposefully silly poses, measured the merit of an outfit by how well they could dance in it, and forced each other into feather boas and fedoras and clown shoes. Occasionally Ben was summoned into being—Klaus didn’t have the juice to keep him corporeal for very long—and he, too, joined in the gaiety and wolf-whistling and general fun.

Five hadn’t laughed this much since the Apocalypse. Maybe ever.

Making a game of it had, as Vanya predicted, eased his anxiety. There was no need to fear looking like a fool when it earned him greater respect from two—three—people he loved, and when he was not the game’s only player. In this way, he was able to learn many things.

One thing he learned was that Vanya, unlike Klaus, could _not_ pull off every absurd combination of garments imaginable.

But he liked her in all of them regardless.

In skirts and dresses, she recalled to him the girl she’d been, and he loved her.

In suits and button-ups, she stood tall as the woman she’d become, and he loved her.

In an audacious Hawaiian print, in skin-tight leather pants, in three-inch heels that he had to catch her from falling over in, in hats and tassels and jumpsuits and ugly patterns, in all of these he loved her.

For once, his joy in the love he bore her outweighed his bitterness.

He also got the chance to learn about his own tastes. He catalogued them in his mind…

**Things he liked** : turtlenecks, layers, scarves, jackets, jewelry, dark colors, high-waisted pants, t-shirts, pullovers, paisley (“Of all the patterns, you had to go for _paisley_ ,” Klaus whined, but Five saw the delight in his eyes), converse, boots with short heels, sunglasses

 **Things he didn’t like** : jean pants, shorts, neon colors, sequins (how had Dolores put up with them?), lace, plaid, anything with text (“If I have something to say,” Five told them, “I’ll say it myself”)

 **Things he was on the fence about** : stripes, crop tops, ties, knee-length skirts, hats, wraps

 **Things he didn’t like but pretended to in order to cause his siblings physical pain** : crocs

At the insistence of Klaus and Vanya, he bought far more than was sensible. They ignored his protestations that he was about to hit a growth spurt and would need to replace everything in a year or two anyways. Instead, every single item he felt even the _vaguest_ inclination towards went in the shopping cart.

Klaus got himself another handful of clothes, and even Vanya indulged in three purchases: a vest, a purple button-up shirt, and a jean jacket—another of which wound up in Five’s pile, at which Klaus couldn’t help but coo, “Aww, twinsies!”

Five ignored his blush.

After three hours the Hargreeves siblings called it a day, serenaded out by the Doors’ “Take It As It Comes,” carrying at least a dozen bags between them.

(A minute later Klaus raced back inside, retrieved his cassette, and ran out again, clambering into the backseat of the car idling at the curb.)

*

Five pulled up outside the library and put the car in park.

“Okay, I’ll see you two back home around dinnertime,” said Vanya, opening the passenger side door. She grabbed her satchel and climbed out. Barely had her feet touched the pavement before Klaus was clambering over the back of the seat and into her spot.

“Oo, let’s have a girl’s night,” he said. Vanya put her hand on top of the car and leaned down to the open window. “We can watch movies and paint each other’s nails and put on a fashion show so Allison can see all of Five’s new clothes.”

“Wait a second,” said Five. “You’re including _me_ in this scheme?”

“Honorary girl membership, one night only. Unless you’d rather be, like, the male stripper at a bachelorette party.”

“I would most certainly _not_ rather.”

“Perfect! So it’s settled.”

“No, it _isn’t_ settled—”

“Say yes, Five, please?” asked Vanya. “It’ll be fun.”

“Ben says he’s in.”

“Fun?” Five echoed. “A so-called ‘girl’s night’ that’s actually just ‘everyone but Luther and Diego’?”

“Exactly!” said Klaus.

“It checks out,” Vanya added with a sly smile.

Five’s teeth ground together. Goddammit. He couldn’t resist her at the best of times, much less when she had that gleam of mischief in her eyes. Did she have any idea the power she held over him?

“Fine,” he said, letting out a tense breath.

“Yes!” Klaus clapped his hands. “Trust me, you’re doing the right thing. It wouldn’t be fair to deny Allison the joy of seeing the fruits of our success.”

Vanya slapped her hand lightly on the roof of the car. “All right, I’m off. Thanks again for taking my stuff home with you.”

Klaus waved away her thanks. Then he glanced into the backseat of the car, saying, “Oh okay, see ya.” He turned back to his sister. “Bye, Van!”

And then Vanya—with Ben, or had he gone somewhere else entirely?—was walking up the steps of the library and Five was definitely not watching her leave and then definitely not missing her already as he pulled back onto the road.

“You love her, right?”

Five jolted at his brother’s voice, glancing over as Klaus pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his small bag. He forced himself from thoughts of Vanya and struggled to connect the question with the last thing Klaus had said.

“Allison? Of course, she’s my sister.”

“No, I mean Vanya.”

His fingers tightened on the wheel. “Well, her too.”

He hated it. Hated how much he had to hide. Hated that he couldn’t scream his love for Vanya from every rooftop. Hated that she was still considered such an outsider that Klaus actually had to _check_ whether Five loved her like he loved the rest of their family. The same easy, casual disparagement that Vanya had met with all her life, no doubt made even worse after he, her best friend, abandoned her.

Klaus lit his cigarette and inhaled, then turned to blow smoke out the window.

“I would understand, is all I’m saying.”

“What _are_ you saying?” Five was genuinely lost. Sometimes Klaus’s sprawling, indirect thought maze proved too much for him. “We can’t all exist on your wavelength.”

“From a certain angle, the man I love is… gosh, half a century older than me?” He giggled.

“ _Klaus_. You’re not still—”

“I know, I know.” He exhaled more smoke out the window, his eyes fixed on the moving scenery. “I promised I’d stop conjuring him. Not healthy to have a ghost boyfriend, neither of us can move on, yadda yadda.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“I don’t know, Five, maybe I’m tired of making sacrifices!”

Five’s head snapped to the side, where he was met with a hard stare. He wrenched his eyes forward again. There was no light, casual air left in Klaus’s tone as he went on.

“I gave up the drugs, the booze, the unsafe sex with strangers…”

“Oh, Klaus…”

“Not all sex, mind you, but… you know.” Klaus shifted in his seat, looking uncomfortable for the first time. “It’s different now. I lost everything I cared about, just like I lost Dave, but the thing is, I can _have_ Dave! That’s why I got sober in the _first_ place. If I can’t see him, then what was the point? Why am I doing any of this?”

Five digested this, resisting the urge to scold his brother. That would only make the situation worse. Deep breaths.

“Do you care about _us_?” he asked. Not aggressive, simply curious.

“I do—” Klaus’s voice cracked, wavered. “But… sometimes I just need something more. Dave loves me. I’ve quit everything else, but I don’t know how to quit him. I don’t want to. It’s like… there’s this hole inside of me every day, and with Dave I’m able to forget about it for a little while.”

The car grew quiet. Klaus continued to smoke his cigarette, staring out the window, his foot tapping against the floorboard.

“I get it,” Five said.

Klaus looked over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“I know a thing or two about loss.”

“Yeah, god, I’m sorry.” Klaus sank into the seat. Tossing the butt of his cigarette out the window, he rubbed his eye with the heel of his hand. “I shouldn’t be complaining—”

“It’s not a competition, Klaus.” Five glanced over and made sure Klaus met his gaze. “I understand that it’s hard to say goodbye. For a long time, I couldn’t have survived without Dolores. But then I found my family again. We may not always show it well, but we _are_ here for you. We want to help.”

He couldn’t be positive, but he thought there was more of a sheen to Klaus’s eyes than normal. After a few seconds, Five was forced to look back at the road.

Klaus cleared his throat. In an obvious ploy to lighten the mood, he declared, “I see how you’ve cleverly diverted us from the original topic—”

“I don’t even know what the original topic _was_ —”

“—you being in love with Vanya.”

A pedestrian screamed and dodged out of the way as their car veered sharply up and over the curb. Klaus shouted, hands splayed to either side to hold himself steady.

Pulse pounding in his ears, Five directed the car off of the sidewalk and threw it into park there at the side of the road, shaking with rage and something else he didn’t want to name. His knuckles were white.

“What the hell was that for?” he snapped. “Are you trying to kill us?”

“ _Me_?” Klaus laughed in his outrage, probably from the adrenaline. “You’re the one who jerked the wheel so hard it almost broke off! Jesus, you’re a terrible driver.”

“I’m an _excellent_ driver. _You_ are an _idiot_.”

“Why, because I spoke the truth?”

It was at that moment Five connected the dots.

He saw red.

“Were you comparing your feelings for an older man… ghost… _what_ ever!… to _my feelings for Vanya_?” he bit out, hands wringing the wheel the way he might wring a person’s neck. He realized belatedly that this was as good as a confession, but at the moment, he couldn’t be bothered to care.

“What? No! The other way around.”

Failing to comprehend, Five shot him a glare that he felt managed to appropriately convey ‘explain further’ and ‘you are #1 on my kill list’ all at once.

“Dave may look frozen in time when I conjure him,” Klaus said, “but he still technically ‘lived’ all those years since we met, the ones I skipped over. Making him, like, way older than me. So, sure, he’s been living in the Afterlife not the Apocalypse, but what does it matter? I don’t think you’re a cradle robber, is all I’m saying.”

_“…don’t think you’re a cradle robber…”_

This speech was so shocking that it took a moment to sink in.

When it did, Five burst into laughter.

He couldn’t say exactly why he laughed; nothing was particularly funny. Klaus had ferreted out his secret, nearly giving Five a heart attack. And yet, at the same time, Klaus _understood_ the truth of it in a way he’d assumed no one ever would. Five had never felt so seen, and it threatened to overwhelm him.

Perhaps his laughter was the necessary release of too many pent-up emotions. It was better than the alternative. Whatever the reason, tears of mirth streamed from his eyes and his side was in stitches from laughing so hard.

At first Klaus was confused. But he quickly ceased to care, and joined in with his own giggles. They sat laughing together for a good minute.

Finally, Five wiped his eyes. Feeling lighter than he had in months, he merged back into traffic, a smile on his lips. As he drove, Five tried to find a way to say ‘thank you for comparing me to your dead, older boyfriend’ without using any of those words, especially the first two.

“It must be hard, though,” said Klaus, beating Five to the draw.

With a sting of regret at having failed to express his gratitude, Five nonetheless replied, “What?”

“Do you just have blue balls, like, all the time?”

And just like that, Five wasn’t so grateful anymore. His lungs squeezed, throat constricting.

“God, I remember how horny I was as a teenager,” Klaus continued. “Anything could turn me on back then, but it must be so much worse when the subject of your fantasies is near you all the time and you can’t do anything with them, can’t do anything with _anyone_ —”

“Has anyone ever told you how much _nicer_ the world is when you aren’t talking?”

Five didn’t look at Klaus but the car went silent, so that was enough for him.

He was fuming. What right did Klaus have to drag his baggage into the open like that? As though it were something casual, something funny. As though it didn’t plague him day in and day out. What could Klaus know of his pain?

Wait. Actually…

Curious, he waited until he’d evened out his breathing again, then asked, “Do you and Dave have sex?”

“Christ on a cracker!” Klaus’s hand flew to his chest. Eyes huge, he stared at the roof of the car. “I feel like someone just poured vinegar in my ears.”

“You can knock it off with the dramatics, Klaus. We both know you’re no bashful heroine of a romance novel.”

“Me, sure. But _you_?”

Five scowled. “Nevermind, forget I asked.”

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, grandpa, sheesh.” Klaus crossed his arms, looking askance. “We… tried, but I couldn’t… well.” He turned his palms upward and they began to glow. “Keep it up, ha.”

There was a pause.

“Are you happy with him?”

“Happier than I would be without him.”

Five mulled this over, hearing the sadness, the compromise, in Klaus’s voice. Maybe they weren’t in such different boats after all. Though, Klaus still had the benefit of a reciprocated affection. But it seemed they were both doomed to some measure of forced celibacy. Klaus couldn’t understand completely, not when there were other options open to him, but then, who _could_ fully understand Five’s plight?

A thought occurred to him.

“Does Ben still… you know… want that sort of thing?”

“We never talk about it,” was the disappointing answer.

“Oh.”

Klaus’s head tilted towards him. “Why do you ask?”

“Don’t know.” He shrugged, turning onto the street parallel to the Hargreeves mansion. “Just wondered if those feelings go away after death.”

The car lurched as Five braked and parked the car. He let out a sigh. What felt like the longest car ride of his life was over. He had a lot to think about. Popping the door open, he made to step out—only to be held in place by a strong grip on his sleeve. Surprised, he met Klaus’s dark expression.

“Five, if you die on purpose, I will kill you.”

Five smirked. “Is that an offer?”

“I’m fucking serious, dude.”

“I didn’t know you had that setting.”

“I won’t do it.” Klaus shook his head violently, depths of anguish swimming in his eyes that Five was both stunned and pained to see. “I can’t have two dead brothers hanging around. Whatever you think it might get you, it isn’t worth it. I know you’ve seen a lot of shit, but you haven’t seen that. You don’t know what the ghosts are like. Believe me. You don’t want to become one of them. No, you know what, _I_ don’t want you to, and I’m the Séance so I have final say on all ghost-related matters.”

His lips twitched into a smile. Gently, so Klaus understood he wasn’t mocking, Five said, “Well… I guess I’ll just never die, then.”

“Good.” Klaus took a breath. His fingers slid from Five’s jacket.

They got out of the car, Klaus looking a bit embarrassed as he helped Five grab up armloads of shopping bags. Five slammed the trunk shut once it was empty.

“Though it pains me to say it”—he locked the car—“you were actually helpful today. I’m glad you came.”

Face brightening, Klaus jogged to catch up with him, following his older brother into the house. “Is that like a thank you?”

“Don’t push your luck, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy, this one was hard to write. I hope y'all liked it! Clearly I don't believe in fluff without a healthy dose of angst, haha. There is simply lots to draw on when it comes to this family. But at the end of the day, I value their unconditional love and support of one another more than anything <3

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 coming soon! Let me know what you think in the comments :)


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